Always trying to figure it out...

My best friend Anna and I ran errands together this morning while my car was being fixed, or should I say "tried" to run errands. Claire was great, but Lillian was beyond wild. I actually lost her for 2 whole minutes in Old Navy. I digress, so we were chatting about getting back in the groove after the holidays and what this new year will bring for us. I discussed how I felt so happy and relaxed this time last week, but that the "vacation glow" had definitely faded. The novelty had left the building. It was an A+ holiday, I would not change a thing. I felt more happiness and joy than I can even put into words, but the after holiday week is proving to be a bit tricky.

Did I mention, we are flying back to MI in less than 48 hours for a very sad funeral that is weighing heavily on my heart and mind. Oh, and Harrison is staying behind and Joe and I are feeling a bit nervous about that (not his care, but just being far away from him).

We over slept this morning. Joe hopped up, showered and got dressed. He looked great the whole 2 minutes we saw him. He was dressed, grabbed a banana and off he went without a care in the world. I rushed to get everyone ready and out the door, lunch packed, breakfast eaten, hair combed, teeth brushed and out the door we went. Dropped off Harrison and headed to get my car fixed. Called while waiting for Anna to get me to schedule dental appts., dr.'s appts, haircuts, carpet cleaning, painting, etc. And so it began. The daily rush to keep up with it all that I so desperately want to figure out. I read all these wonderful mom blogs that discuss balance, and finding joy in the little moments. I said to Anna, "I just want to be alone for half a day!!!" I miss being alone. Yesterday in my Bible Study we talked about the importance of sitting with God. And how, in quiet moments we can learn so much about ourselves and our purpose. I miss that. I miss knowing what I needed, wanted, felt at any given moment. There is so much "noise" right now with two little kiddos, that I don't have the energy to listen to my own voice.

I hesitate to even share this, as I know it sounds negative and I am not a very negative person generally. But, it feels good to write and to share.
Anna sent me this a little bit ago. Kind or ironic. What beautiful words.

Lonely In Families

6 Jan 2011

Marybeth Whalen

"God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
Psalm 68:6 (NIV)

I used to think today's key verse was a sweet promise to the lonely, assuring them that God would remember them and surround them with the love of a family. And, while I still think this is true, I recently had a revelation while reading this verse that there might be another way to look at it.

I noticed in my Bible's notes that the word "lonely" means "solitary." The person the verse is referring to may not be the person feeling sad because she's alone. This could be the person who needs some alone-time to recharge – she thrives in silence. When life gets too chaotic or crazy or noisy, all she really wants is to be solitary.

That person, in other words, is me.

So what does this verse tell us God does with a person like me? He plops her smack in the middle of a family. He says, "I know you prefer being alone. I know that you can control your world much better when there's a population of one. But, my child, that is not what makes you a better person. You will never be all that I long for you to be if I leave you in your solitary-ness."

God saw fit to put me in the midst of six noisy, arguing, busy children and one husband with his own set of expectations, needs and preferences. Then He took a ringside seat and watched the drama ensue. He watched as I battled my own selfishness, learned to put other's needs ahead of my own, and lapsed into longing for loneliness.

Being a solitary person is not all bad. Jesus understood this propensity to need time alone. While He surrounded Himself with crowds of people, there are times in the gospels where He tells His disciples He's had enough and withdraws from the crowds to recharge. Luke 5:16 says, "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." Two words jump out at me in that verse: often and lonely. God doesn't try to take away our bent towards being solitary, but He doesn't want us to stay in that place all the time. We should take the time to go to our lonely places and pray. But we also need to come back and re-engage.

Maybe you're a solitary person too. Maybe you've found yourself rebelling against the needs of your family, lamenting that you just want to be alone. God created us for community. He knows that in isolation we do no one any good. He puts the lonely in families—and it's not always a pretty process. But the result He is going for is beautiful.

Dear Lord, I confess that I don't always see my family as a blessing and a tool to grow Your desires for me. Help me to balance my desire for lonely places with Your call in my life to be part of this family You've placed me in. And help me to praise You in both situations. In Jesus' Name, Amen.